Arnold Schwarzenegger (2)

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HIS BODY OF WORK

Tom Soter takes you on the ultimate guide to The Complete Arnie.

 

Arriving in America at the end of the 60s, Arnold Schwarzenegger was a bulging Austrian babe in the woods when his bodybuilding mentor Joe Weider helped him land the title role in 1970's Hercules Goes To New York, a low-budget oddity also known, aptly enough, as Hercules Goes Bananas. The body on display here is most definitely Arnold's, but the unaccented voice clearly belongs to someone else in this quite ridiculous adventure involving a toga-clad Herc on the loose in modern Manhattan. From here on, though, Arnie worked his way up from such clinkers as 1979's Cactus Jack (aka The Villain) and 1980's The Jayne Mansfield Story to action and comedy to anything now that he wants to do.

 

1976  STAY HUNGRY

Arnold is Joe Santo, a –what else? – bodybuilder competing for the Mr. Universe title. Also starring in this Bob Rafelson quirky comedy-drama are Sally Field as Schwarzenegger's ex-sweetie, and Jeff Bridges, as the ne' er-do-well scion of an old Southern family.

Best moment: Arnold playing the fiddle with a hillbilly band.

Best Arnie line: "Make the thighs burn."

Must see: A herd of bikinied body builders chasing the bad guys through the streets of Birmingham, Alabama.

 

1977 PUMPING IRON

Despite the heavy accent, Arnie's charm and wit are immediately apparent in this George Butler documentary on ... bodybuilding.

Best moment: Arnold seriously needling his then-rival Lou Ferrigno, a scene now disowned by Arnie who claims he was iust trying to sell the movie.

Best Arnie line: Arnie describing his feelings on gym workouts thus: "It feels fantastic, it's as satisfying to me as, uh, coming is. You know, as, ah, having sex with a woman and coming. So I am coming day and night...

Must see: Arnie delivering the above passage.

 

1982 CONAN THE BARBARIAN

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Arnie's big breakthrough as an action hero battling the leader of a nasty snake cult Wames Earl Jones (at his Darth Vader best). John Milius and Oliver Stone teamed up for this heavy-handed adaptation of the sword-is-mightier-than-anything romp. When it grossed $50 million, Hollywood took notice.

Best moment: Arnie punching out a camel.

Best Arnie line: (enumerating life's pleasures) "To crush your enemies, see them die before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,"

Must see: Arnie, tied to a cross, biting the head off a marauding vulture.

 

1984 CONAN THE DESTROYER

Blood, gore, Juvenile humour and a climactic bottle with a grisly monster mark Arnold's less successful sequel to the original Conan. Grace Jones does, however, look mighty fetching as Conan's scantily-clad buddy.

Best moment: Arnie apologising to the camel, then punching.it out again.

Best Arnie line: "It's bad luck to kill a wizard."

Must see: Arnie twirling his two-ton sword for no apparent reason while flexing for the camera.

 

1984 THE TERMINATOR

Arnie's best picture yet, and the only time he has played a villain. James Cameron's powerful sci-fi shoot-em-up centers on two visitors from the future who materialise in contemporary L.A. and Arnie is truly menacing as the nearly indestructible killtng machine.

Best moment: Arnie arriving completely naked (side and rear views only) in the film's opening minutes.

Best Arnie line: ''Fuck you, asshole!"

Must see: Arnie losing his protective shell and being replaced by an animated puppet for the last 15 minutes.

 

1985 RED SONJA

Disappointing, but had the advantage of curing Arnie of sword and sorcery forever. A pre-pneumatic Brigitte Nielsen is the title character opposite Arnie's Kalidor, the only male warrior who can match her prowess.

Best moment: Arnie wrestling with the Killing Machine, a mechanical alligator-like creature.

Best Arnie line: "In life, all is not swordplay."

Must see: Severed head floating through the air in slo-mo.

 

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1986 COMMANDO

Total action from start to finish, with Arnie as Col. John Matrix, ultimate soldier and one-man gang who has to rescue his young daughter after she's snatched by a fully equipped private army.

Best moment: Arnie getting off a jet-liner by climbing onto the landing gear and [umpinq to safety.

Best Arnie line: "You're a funny guy, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last."

Must see: Arnie stripping off his shirt for the final shoot-out.

 

1986 RAW DEAL

Arnie is disgraced ex-FBI agent Mark Kaminsky who tries to work his way back onto the force by infiltrating the Chicago mob. Blood, gore and stunts are up to par, but Arnie's one-liners lack their usual zip.

Best moment: Arnie machine-gunning everyone in sight as the Stones' Satisfaction blares away on his car radio.

Best Arnie line: "Who do you think I am? Dirty Harry?"

Must see: Arnie flexing his ever-glistening pecs while strapping on enough weaponry to invade Panama.

 

1987 THE RUNNING MAN

Arnie is Ben Richards, a 21st century policeman wrongly convicted of slaughtering 1,500 innocent people. He winds up on TV’smost popular show, The Running Man, where inmates can win freedom by making their way through a "playing field" filled with vicious killers.

Best moment: Arnie buzz-sawing an assailant in two from the groin up.

Best Arnie line: (while he performs the above act) "He had to split.”

Must see: The commercial for another programme, Climbing For Dollars, which features a man with money in his mouth trying to escape snarling dogs by climbing a rope.

 

1987 PREDATOR

Arnie leads crack military outfit stationed in Central America that has the misfortune of running into an extremely unfriendly alien. Yet another sci-fi action fest, but this time set in the present.

Best moment: Arnie's mono-a-alieno no-holds barred showdown.

Best Arnie line: None (but who cares?)

Must see: Arnie's men skinned and hanging from trees.

 

1988 RED HEAT

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Jim Belushi teams up with our boy in this East-West addition to the odd-couple-cop routine. Arnie is believably stone-faced as a highly disciplined Russkie 'tec teamed up with slob Chicago cop Belushi to track down drug dealers.

Best moment: Arnie and the bad guys chasing each other on buses and destroying most of Chicago in the process.

Best Arnie line: (after wiping out about a dozen people)

"I'm not on holiday here."

Must see: Artfully-shot nude Arnie baffling artfully-shot nude villain in Turkish bath.

 

1988 TWINS

Arnie's first outright comedy, cast here as Danny DeVito's twin brother. As the highly educated but naive giant, Arnie has some fine comic moments as sleaze ball DeVito introduces him to life's seamy side. At a gross of more than $110 million, Arnie's biggest film to date.

Best moment: DeVito teaching Arnie to dance.

Best Arnie line: "I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure itcan be resolved without resorting to violence."

Must see: The grin on Arnie's face after his first-ever bonk.

EMPIRE, JULY 1990